I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
