saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize