You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
