last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
