dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
