Non-Jews are for practice
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
