I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
