just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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