Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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