Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
