And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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