shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
