I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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