I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
