I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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