I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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