I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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