Heybabeimwearingurpanties
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
