man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
