No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
