I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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