just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
