I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
