i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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