flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
