i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I want to be your penis for a week.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
