They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
