take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
