I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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