seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
