Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
