I just cut my nipple shaving
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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