Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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