And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Did I show you my penis last night?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
