I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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