Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
