apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
