i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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