So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
