Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
