I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
pop tarts are not kleenex
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
