if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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