WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
