The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
