Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
