We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Congratulations! We have a period
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