so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
