Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
