How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
