the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
