I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
This toilet bowl is my home.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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