don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
