Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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