It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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