I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
