We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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