Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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