If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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